KENANGAN MENGUSIK JIWA ...bahagian 3

well..i try to continue my story based on memory that i have left...rutin harian yang sungguh membosankan dan menyeksakan menyebabkan aku rasa tertekan... i need to get out of here...

aku tak tahan....
there's a lot of thing i can't stand...like go outing only once in two months...yes...aku suka keluar berjalan-jalan....supaya boleh rileks..kalau kat rumah pun aku suka keluar jalan2..tak kisahlah kalau sekadar pergi kedai yang cuma beberapa puluh meter dari rumah...tapi di sekolah itu kami hanya dibenarkan keluar sebulan sekali dalam masa beberapa jam sahaja......jika terlewat balik maka selama 2 bulan tidak dibenarkan keluar.......terseksa tau..it's like this ..jika bulan ini the guys going out...next month is the girls time...

sebenarnya ..sebelum ni kitorang keluar dua minggu sekali..tapi tak tau sapa yang buat durjana menyebabkan pihak sekolah terpaksa menyekat pengeluaran kami.....sebelum tuh lagi okay....seminggu sekali...guys and girls keluar sama2...tapi disebabkan untuk mengelakkan guys and girls berdating kat bandar K ..(jaga reputastilah kunun sekolah agama..cam syial!!!!!!!!) ..dibuatlah dua minggu sekali dengan separated outing....bila students buat hal lagi...(i heard that some students stole the supermarket's trolly.....hmmm)..terus buat sebulan sekali....atau...in my case dua bulan sekali...sedehnya

what i do?....i always pura2 sakit supaya dapat pegi hospital.....so orang semua duk tunggu doktor..aku slip out jalan2 pegi bandar.....sib baik tak kantoi....tapi that's my way of relief the tension....

disebabkan i really want to get out here.....macam2 masalah yang aku timbulkan di sini... yes..i'm a trouble maker here........i've done everything....stealing, tresspassing, molesting....opss...better not going there....tujuannya...supaya aku bleh pindah sekolah...........

tapi........., they still don't want let me go..in fact..dorang assign kat aku sesi kaunseling bersama-sama dengan guru kaunseling setiap minggu .....damn bored...i want out!!!

disebabkan ini aku selalu menjadi target untuk di brainwash atau di smack down....believe me.....sepanjang hidup aku di sana..aku sentiasa jadi mangsa ....i was beaten by the seniors....thank god i survive..walaupun aku rasa macam hampir setiap minggu ada jer orang panggil aku....(dengan tujuan nak beat me atau nak brainwash aku..)...tapi aku still berjaya hidup........lagila makin kuat aku nak keluar situ

hinggalah satu hari......actually dah jadi kebiasaan aku..bila time antara maghrib and isyak pegi merayau kat bangunan sekolah...sometimes pegi kantin makan2....

tengah merayau-rayau tuh..aku perasan bahawa bilik kaunseling tuh is not locked.....so I broke in...and play computers there....takdela nak buat apa2 pun......
well... perkara ni berlaku selama beberapa minggu sehinggala satu hari..i got busted....and they all interogate me....like i've done something yang boleh memusnahkan satu sekolah........

i try to explain to them that i'm playing computers there...tapi mereka tak percaya....with my records siapa2 pun takkan percaya....they also assume that i'm stealing some of the stuff there...but actually not................i never done that..I ONLY PLAY COMPUTERS!!

kejadian ini menyebabkan aku dipanggil kat mesyuarat guru2...and they decide to finally expell me!
how ironic.....i've done every single nasty and bad thing to get me out here...but because i broke in the counselling room.....it get me out....hahahahahaha!

well.....i actually feel happy after i know they're going to expell me!....technically ...i got expelled from the school....tapi still sekolah ni baik hatilah kunun.....in the surat berhenti sekolah...dorang tulis berpindah sekolah..so i can manage to pegi sekolah lain...........

so....aku pun tukar kembali ke sekolah harian yang dekat dengan rumah....leganya!!!.....this time i've got a new personality....and nobody know my past in the former school.........and it happen six months before i take PMR!

mungkin ada yang cakap aku bodoh sebab sengaja melepaskan peluang belajar di sekolah terbaik......tapi.. I DON'T CARE!!!.....buat apa belajar di sekolah terbaik kalau perasaan sentiasa terseksa.....kehidupan sentiasa tertekan......

still ...i'm thinking...what if i continued studies until form 5 ........maybe i've got the chance to study overseas.....mungkin study kat japan cam alessandra.....tapi past is past...you never can turn back time ........

that's all for now.......

Perasaan …..

Langkah bersama

Duduk bersama

Konon sehati sejiwa

Rupanya sekadar pengisi ruangan

Cuba bertahan

Cuba mencelah

Cuba berdepan

Cuba beralah

Namun….

Tetap di bawah

Hilang rasa gembira

Fikiran jadi resah

Menangisi segenap jiwa

Membekas di hati yang lara

Menggurit perasaan

Menggamit keriangan

Emosi menjadi perit

Hati bertambah sakit

Hilangkan perasaan itu

Biar semuanya menjadi kosong

Biar semuanya beredar pergi

Namun…..

Ia kembali

Menyinggah di lubuk hati

Melakar goresan pedih

Pada diri yang tidak dipeduli…

Tanpa topeng……

Hati merawan

Mengganggu ruang fikiran

Menunjuk rasa lawan

Menghilang di sebalik awan

Jiwa resah

Hati bersulam gundah

Minda menjadi susah

Kesumat semakin parah

Sembunyi dengan helah

Mengapa harus jadi begini

Bagai ada sempadan membatas diri

Tinggallah hiba mengusik hati

Menganyam duka membuah benci

Wajah riang hilang berseri

Di mana riang?

Di mana tenang?

Di mana senang?

Semua bagaikan hilang……

Tanpa topeng……

I HATE YOU...........

I hate you............
You force me to come here
I know that you doesn't but you gesture did
I was happy before coming here
And I don't think much bout it

Suddenly
You force me to choose
And I have to choose
The path you want me to follow
With pride on my shoulders

And now
You say i'm too much
Asking too much when you can't give more
I know i'm over the limit
But it's not enough for me
I wanted more
But you can't give me more
That's why
I hate you.........

I hate you....
You were the first I met
We're walking together
With smile and laughter on our faces

Suddenly
You met them
They were similar like you
And you drifted away from me
Pushing me away from your top list
Making me the one
Who is the last you want to came
I was lonely
But you don't care
All you care is them

You never know
You just think you're good
But i'm sick of your way
So sick
Even i cannot tell you
Because
Everybody likes you
And
Telling you that
Makes me a devil
That's why
I hate you

The more I hate you
The more I hate myself.............

I CAN'T SHOW THE REAL ME.................



Welcome to the greatest show
Greatest show on earth
You've never seen before
Here the fairytale unfolds



hmm.....i see two of them talking.....i never understand anything that they say...they speak in their native language......apa yang aku mengarut plak ni......sebenarnya.....member aku si K dan S ni tengah cakap sesuatu ...pasal problem si K tula....ini pun mengikut kefahaman aku la....sebab aku ader sket faham ..........bukannya dorang mengumpat aku ke kutuk aku ke..cuma i think itu cuma luahan perasaan jer.....

then when i saw them talking to each other...suddenly i think...and feel ......i've never show any of emotional wreck ....stuff of my personal problems.........to them...i am quite a mysterious person...you can hear my laughing all the way from the back of the corner...but you never heard me cry..or me being serious or express my feeling or anything like that........i think this is why i've never actually been adsorb to this friendship....i can't show what i'm feeling in front of them ..and i have to act like a clown just to hide my feeling...........in my heart i know i have something to be express but i don't know how i can do that.........


What's behind the smoke and glass?
Painted faces, everybody wears a mask
Are you selling them your soul?
Well you'll be left out in the cold


...all you've seen is me..being happy and funny...but you never know what i feel really .............i can't never trust anyone...even my own friends................i just believe in myself......there's so much inside me that it really want to burst out.....but till now...i'm hanging by the moment.....being mysterious and secretive .......and showing a happy mask everytime is not an easy task....i force myself

Is it all blue skies
Fun and games until you fall
Then you're left without anyone at all
You're riding on a shooting star
With a smile upon your face
But soon the shine fades


K actually pernah express his feeling.....his love life...and everything to me...........he trusted me...and i know that being his friend.....he can always have me whenever he downs..........but me?...............i never done the same thing to him.................he never know i'm...................and he never know the real me...what kind a person i am..........for him and any other...i'm just a funny, non serious type of guy who always bitching bout the lecturer and anything.............they don't know......the real me........i can't show them!!!

And you're left out all alone
Wondering where did they all go?


i don't know how to open myself up to them...it's just that i want to tell them..but in reality i really don't wanna tell them....as a result...i spent time alone..just with me, myself and i
that's why sometimes i feel invincible and being left out by them..i'm not a good friend....and i really want to do something really baaaad to them........but i know i can't do that.................


Been jaded, hated,
Who'll be around when the limelight's faded?
Been shut down, pushed out
Made to smile when I wanted to frown

and you see what i'm writing here....?...i think you will be confius ....beacause i actually want to express something here ...but i don't know how to do it with words...........and really for me to do this kind of thing its quite scarry at first.......coz i don't want any of my closest friends here reads what ever rambling i'm talking bout............yeah......i've been thinking too much........maybe i've acted like a children in front of my friends...but the truth is i'm mature and my thinking sometimes go deep inside the heart......i guess they'll never seen the other side of me that was the real me....................................

Always taking a bow
Always working the crowd
Always breaking new ground
Always playing the clown
Who'll be sticking it out?
Who'll be staying around
When the lights go down?

i don't know why i can't trust my friend..........maybe i want the the right friends to tell what i really feel.....it's hard to express this......there's so many things that you don't know about me.......and being open is the least that i want to do..............

i'm going to lay back down tonite.................i need to recharge myself from being down....because tomorrow......i have to put the happy mask with the happy go lucky personality of mine......

i just can't show the real me.......................

KOSONG.......................

hmmm...i've been busy lately...with tutorial and lab assignment yang aku tak sentuh langsung sepanjang minggu lepas...so...minggu ni aku terpaksa berusaha untuk menyiapkan kesemua tugasan walaupun sebenarnya aku masih belum buat lagi tutorial itu.......opsss lupa lak kerja rumah kira-kira subjek antara tersusah pun aku tak buat lagik.......nanti2 jerla aku buat....

aku tak tau apa nak cakap...seriously i feel empty.....kosong....perasaanku jadik hilang....
i know that......when i'm selalu cakap and buat lawak merapu.........pre-made laughing.....


kehidupanku yang kosong.......yang tidak tahu bagaimana hendak ku isikan kekosongan itu........
aku rasa sungguh down sekali.....sedih...tapi tidak tahu bagaimana hendak meluahkan kesedihan itu.....rasa geram.....namun tidak dapat diluahkan.......rasa sayu......tidak dapat dilampiaskan.....
semuanya bagaikan kosong....

aku sendiri hairan bagaimana aku begitu tabah sekali ..dapat menjalani kehidupan sambil kegembiraan palsu yang menghias luaran diriku ..........................

aku sendiri tak tahu...mengapa aku sebegini....aku bagaikan lemah......malah ku rasakan kehidupan ku sehari-hari di kolej ni cuma bagaikan robot yang tidak berperasaan ...........cuma jasad yang bergerak ke sana ke mari ......tapi jauh di lubuk hati ku kosong.......

kosong yang akhirnya membawa perasaan marah, geram , kebencian....segala-galanya......
wanna sms someone......tapi tak tahu siapa yang nak di sms......
nak jumpa member pun.....lagila.............



i am sad and i'm feeling empty

and...............aku nak menjerit......tapi tiada suara yang keluar dari tekak.......................
nak beritahu seseorang on how i feel..............langsung tiada orang yang mendengar dan bisa menyimpan sebaiknya..........

that's all i want to say................... : (

Tika keheningan aku bagai dibuai
Dinginnya malam yang panjang
Tika kegelapan sayu unggas berdendang
Mengubat hati yang rawan
Bagaikan dinginnya malam yang suram
Begitulah diriku diibaratkan

Dalam kesamaran ku rempuhi ranjau
Biarpun payah ku teruskan
Siapa memandang tidakkan ku hirau
Biarpun pedih ku tahankan
Jamahlah bintang
Beri daku sinaran
Semoga hati ku cekal

Akan ku teruskan walau harus ditelan
Seribu nista di tangan

Terbanglah hai unggas bebas di awan
Agar kan tercapai sinar gemerlapan

Tuhan ku inginkan secebis harapan
Hanya padamu ku serahkan
Apakah kan ada ketulusan jiwa
Yang menilai ku seadanya

Tuhan ku inginkan secebis harapan
Hanya padamu ku serahkan

Tuhan ku inginkan secebis harapan
Ku pasrah padamu Tuhan
Tuhan......